I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Finally a use for spoilers…
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.