So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Meanwhile in Portland…
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
thank god
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it