[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Storm Tropical Storm
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.