A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: You鈥檙e SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
![]()
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
When you need a dentist who鈥檚 also a snake handler. That.
![]()
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he鈥檚 having an affair
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I鈥檓 not flirting with disaster, we鈥檙e eloping.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn鈥檛 know it yet.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We鈥檙e gonna be the only family up there cause I鈥檓 looking after the joint.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 馃檪 it appears that we鈥檙e all in this togeth-
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’ve never seen Les Mis茅rables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly