My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I created you as mosquito food.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.