Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did