bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Matt Goss
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.