Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Always leave them wanting their money back.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.