*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.