On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”