On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.