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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.