Food gives you energy to nap more.
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.