Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
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Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
it’s finally my moment to shine
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?