A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Yoga Matt
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me, reading some of your tweets
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath