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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.