Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
You Might Also Like
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
How wrong was this guy?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
This took me a second..
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅