My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.