My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
fixed it
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!