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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Growing up was a huge mistake
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣