*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.