Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.