Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I feel seen
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!