Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
You Might Also Like
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Breaking news:
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die