I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are