@TweetsByTheTony The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
@SardonicTart Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
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@TweetsByTheTony 
@carlyken “I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
@XplodingUnicorn The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
@JoParkerBear The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
@PopeAwesomeXIII I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
@UncleDuke1969 “Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
@LizerReal I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
@TheCatWhisprer [medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
@rikpayne I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
@XplodingUnicorn My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.