@SardonicTart

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

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@TweetsByTheTony

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

@carlyken

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

@XplodingUnicorn

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@LizerReal

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

@rikpayne

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.