Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.


“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”


The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.


The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.


I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.


“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”


I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????


[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]


I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…


My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.