“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

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What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.


My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.


My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.


How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.


Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*


Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.


Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.


No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.