@TheTweetOfGod
@Rollinintheseat [High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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@Rollinintheseat 
@CornOnTheGoblin A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
@TheGrimKing I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
@pixelatedboat Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
@Luke_R99 Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
@DirtMcTurd God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
@girl_a_whirl *pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
@heat_packingDr If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
@lisaxy424 [show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
@BlindChow I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.