@TheTweetOfGod
@david8hughes [interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
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@david8hughes 
@SatiricalMommy My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
@mermaidsluvwine Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
@a_simpl_man My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
@Tharin_P How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
@CArmanthegirl January is lasting longer than my marriage
@Big_Cat74 Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
@heatherlou_ Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
@natedog2049 Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
@jus4golf No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.