Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!