Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no