I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
You Might Also Like
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
The sacred texts.