*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Before & after 😅
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.