I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening