Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]