If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.