I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Always 🥴
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket