My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.