Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

this country is so goddamn polarized

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping