13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.