WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What the dentist sees
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC