I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids