Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
#damn
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
how was your vacation
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”