Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Well, this explains it:
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!