You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Try and stop me.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics