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Breakfast for Stoners:
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
🍞🦆
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.