Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!