Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
23. the denim jacket