I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Siri, fight Alexa.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.