It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Every haunted house movie: