[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.