I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My love language is hissing.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.