My love language is hissing.
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
my favorite genre of twitter
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL