Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
i hope my email finds you on fire
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??