It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Perfect
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy